Ok so yesterday sucked...I am not so much angry at Ed, he is just being his lovely self...I am angry at myself for falling for the trap. And in reality, I set the trap myself.
I texted him yesterday about us having a date. I would like to be able to talk to him on neutral ground, without all the drama. I then suggested Outback. He actually replied, "Outback is always good" I said, "cool" and " tonight?" he didn't answer. I had to know then that he wasn't going to see me anytime soon. around 6 I texted him, "Not tonight?" and of course his reply was "Not tonight". I was very hurt, and yet oddly strengthened.
I am always telling my friends to "grow a set" andstand up for yourself. Love yourself first, and then you can love someone else. I am not currently loving myself.
SO... I am getting into shape, I have been lazy and that won't do. If I am going to be single, then I would like to look fabulous. I am working on the wisdom and the strength to do what is right. I cannot be a clingy whiney person, it isn't me. I have to be my TOWANDA person, and stop taking all this crap.
So, Lord, toady I am praying for guidance, strength and wisdom
Lani
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Ok, next day same stuff
Since the title of my blog is
"HE WENT TO LOWES, AND DIDN'T COME BACK"
perhaps I should explain that.
Last Monday, after a nice weekend to gether he went off to work. He texted me that they were stopping to a cold one and would be home after that. Cool, at least he let me know when he'd be home. He came in and gave me a nice kiss. We ate dinner...such as it was...I had been cleaning all day and didn't really cook, just fixed hot dogs. mac and cheese and baked beans. Anyway we ate dinner, and he said that he needed to go to Lowes for supplies. Kissed me good bye and said he'd be back...I said I'd be here. He didn't return. Today is Friday, and still no sign of him.
So what to do...I do need to figure out how much of the coming and going I am willing to put up with. All my friends say be done with him but 1) we are married and 2)I love him 3) I am happier with him than without him. But I am getting used to being alone again, so it isn't as hard.
I had Lela, my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter yesterday, overnight last night and today, so that was good company. It is hard to be sad around her. We went to the pool today and had fun. Since the Dr wants me to exercise more and lose weight swimming is a good thing. It also makes me tired so I don't stay awake as long at night.
I have been praying that I gain some wisdom, to know how to handle this mess and perhaps get us back on the right track. Like the 12 steppers pray
God grant me the strength to change the things I can and leave undone the things I cannot change...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Praying for wisdom and strength...
Lani
"HE WENT TO LOWES, AND DIDN'T COME BACK"
perhaps I should explain that.
Last Monday, after a nice weekend to gether he went off to work. He texted me that they were stopping to a cold one and would be home after that. Cool, at least he let me know when he'd be home. He came in and gave me a nice kiss. We ate dinner...such as it was...I had been cleaning all day and didn't really cook, just fixed hot dogs. mac and cheese and baked beans. Anyway we ate dinner, and he said that he needed to go to Lowes for supplies. Kissed me good bye and said he'd be back...I said I'd be here. He didn't return. Today is Friday, and still no sign of him.
So what to do...I do need to figure out how much of the coming and going I am willing to put up with. All my friends say be done with him but 1) we are married and 2)I love him 3) I am happier with him than without him. But I am getting used to being alone again, so it isn't as hard.
I had Lela, my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter yesterday, overnight last night and today, so that was good company. It is hard to be sad around her. We went to the pool today and had fun. Since the Dr wants me to exercise more and lose weight swimming is a good thing. It also makes me tired so I don't stay awake as long at night.
I have been praying that I gain some wisdom, to know how to handle this mess and perhaps get us back on the right track. Like the 12 steppers pray
God grant me the strength to change the things I can and leave undone the things I cannot change...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Praying for wisdom and strength...
Lani
Thursday, September 1, 2011
My First Blog
I feel strange sending this out to cyber-land, but my doctor suggested journaling for my angst and I thought this might be a way to journal, with possible feedback.
I am an unemployed 62 year old woman...mother of four and grandmother of nine, and I find myself on the brink of my second divorce. I cannot describe the feelings of anger, loss and ultimately stupidity.
I met Ed eight years ago..he was younger than I and nicely built..ok he was a hunk. He was very pleasant, out going charming and very damaged. We went out a few times and then (unbeknownst to me) went back to his wife. He stayed long enough to sell his house, set her up in a trailer and move back to SC. In the fall of 2003, his beloved duelly truck was repossessed. He asked me for the money to get it back, I refused as we were not in a "relationship". His wife borrowed money from her sister, and bought the truck back. Ed signed an agreement to sign it over to her.
In January of 2004 we reconnected and things were wonderful. He was living with his sister, and stayed with me five or six nights a week. Of course we weren't living together, so he wouldn't pay any bills. Also in January he and his friend Greg went to Minnesota to get the truck back. ( steal??) Ed is still convinced that since the truck was in his name it was his truck, never mind that his wife has paid for it. He was arrested and put in jail in MN. Greg hotfooted it back to SC and called me to let me know what had happened. He also let me in on the fact that Ed was still married. GET A CLUE, LANI. Dumb me, I sent a cashiers check for $ 10, 000, to bail him out of jail, airfare and money to live on till he could get home. I loved him.
He came home and initiated divorce proceedings. And our relationship was pretty good. He was running his own electrical business, but the money wasn't there. No problem, I was keeping the roof over his head.
He started his disappearing act early in 2005 with Friday night absences. Of course he didn't answer his phone and I was left wondering where he was. In February of 2005 he vanished for good...well not exactly for good, but for a while. He was living with Kathleen, a bitchy when drunk alcoholic. He cared for her, and she took care of his basic needs; sex and a roof over his head.
We got back in touch via Yahoo Messenger..( did I say he was a Yahoo whore?) and he would frequently do a drive by visit on Thursdays. Three times he said he was coming back to me and we would make plans for him to be with me, but he would do his thing and be gone for weeks at a time. And yes, I still loved him. His mother passed in April of 2005 and he was heart broken.
Mean while I was dating and having fun. I was seeing someone that I liked and we were talking about him moving in with me when his lease was up. That was very exciting as I hate living alone. I went to his sister's house the end of August 2005 to talk to her about getting my garage opener back from Ed. I was uncomfortable with him having it, and of course neither Ed or his sister answer their phones or return calls.
That is all I can stand to do today.
Remember that God loves us all, even when we are terminally stupid.
Talk soon, Lani
I am an unemployed 62 year old woman...mother of four and grandmother of nine, and I find myself on the brink of my second divorce. I cannot describe the feelings of anger, loss and ultimately stupidity.
I met Ed eight years ago..he was younger than I and nicely built..ok he was a hunk. He was very pleasant, out going charming and very damaged. We went out a few times and then (unbeknownst to me) went back to his wife. He stayed long enough to sell his house, set her up in a trailer and move back to SC. In the fall of 2003, his beloved duelly truck was repossessed. He asked me for the money to get it back, I refused as we were not in a "relationship". His wife borrowed money from her sister, and bought the truck back. Ed signed an agreement to sign it over to her.
In January of 2004 we reconnected and things were wonderful. He was living with his sister, and stayed with me five or six nights a week. Of course we weren't living together, so he wouldn't pay any bills. Also in January he and his friend Greg went to Minnesota to get the truck back. ( steal??) Ed is still convinced that since the truck was in his name it was his truck, never mind that his wife has paid for it. He was arrested and put in jail in MN. Greg hotfooted it back to SC and called me to let me know what had happened. He also let me in on the fact that Ed was still married. GET A CLUE, LANI. Dumb me, I sent a cashiers check for $ 10, 000, to bail him out of jail, airfare and money to live on till he could get home. I loved him.
He came home and initiated divorce proceedings. And our relationship was pretty good. He was running his own electrical business, but the money wasn't there. No problem, I was keeping the roof over his head.
He started his disappearing act early in 2005 with Friday night absences. Of course he didn't answer his phone and I was left wondering where he was. In February of 2005 he vanished for good...well not exactly for good, but for a while. He was living with Kathleen, a bitchy when drunk alcoholic. He cared for her, and she took care of his basic needs; sex and a roof over his head.
We got back in touch via Yahoo Messenger..( did I say he was a Yahoo whore?) and he would frequently do a drive by visit on Thursdays. Three times he said he was coming back to me and we would make plans for him to be with me, but he would do his thing and be gone for weeks at a time. And yes, I still loved him. His mother passed in April of 2005 and he was heart broken.
Mean while I was dating and having fun. I was seeing someone that I liked and we were talking about him moving in with me when his lease was up. That was very exciting as I hate living alone. I went to his sister's house the end of August 2005 to talk to her about getting my garage opener back from Ed. I was uncomfortable with him having it, and of course neither Ed or his sister answer their phones or return calls.
That is all I can stand to do today.
Remember that God loves us all, even when we are terminally stupid.
Talk soon, Lani
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